Ammunition

Right. I have a guest coming to visit with her little boy tomorrow. As most of my friends know, if you come to visit and there is even ONE thing out of place I am all an apoplextic apologetic neurotic freakish person (thanks to a nurse for a Mom - germaphobic to the extreme, and a neurotic Stepmom - cleans before the cleaner comes to clean) who continually says "Sorry for the mess...Oh my, I am so embarrassed!." I constantly fuss and jump up from my seat to make sure everyone has something to eat or drink or whatever. Mira has devised a way of getting me to stop and realize what I am doing. Example:

Steph: "Would you like some more wine?"
Mira: "Kulta.."
Steph: "Is the food OK?"
Mira: "Kul.."
Steph: "I can run across to the store and just pick up something else if you want.."
Mira: "Hei.."
Steph: "Would you like some more wine?
Mira: "Ste.."
Steph: "Did I already ask that?...How about a beer?"
Mira: "Enough PEGGY!!"

...instant silence from me..... Seriously. It drives me nuts when my Stepmom does the fussing thing. I always thought I was much more calm than that. Holy hell how we learn to adapt and adpot the behaviours around us... I have ammunition now though now on the cleaning thing.. (thanks Hale)

Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."