Thursday, May 24, 2007

With friends like these...

Ahhh the joy of having Sug for a best friend... This is a blast from the way back machine...

49 things you should know about Fusche's butt

1. It's big.

2. It's really big.

3. It has more crater scars than the Sea of Tranquility.

4. It has disasterous El Nino implications.

5. It inspires tectonic shifting.

6. Downstairs neighbors get flooded out on a regular basis when the butt
hits the bathtub.

7. It has been officially recognized as a Terran Celestial Body.

8. Butt prints from Fusche on the beach have been mistaken as the mating
ground of two large walruses.

9. When sunning herself on the beach, well meaning environmentalists have
doused her butt with buckets of water and tried to push her back into the
surf.

10. Inspired movie: The Revenge of the Butt Monster! "SEE the monster eat
small villages, SEE small villagers crushed beneath the cheeks"

11. The hidden meaning to "Twin Peaks"

12. It's really, really big.

13. Standing downwind during a bean festival has been mistaken for the
Santa Anna winds - disasterous fires have developed.

14. No Movie Seat can hold her.

15. No Airplane can accomodate her.

16. No man can tame that butt - without a chair and a crane anyway.

17. The butt has tipped the scales on many a near fatal elevator accident
due to exceeding Max. load.

18. The butt, while swimming has been mistaken for, twin icebergs, alien
spacecraft and seismic anomalies.

19. It's really, really, really big.

20. The Geneva Convention has a Fusche Butt Clause.

21. There was some debate for a time whether Karl Malden's nose or Fusche's
Butt was larger in proportion by body part. Fusche won, butts down.

22. Iraq has developed Fushe's butt into a powerful biological weapon which
has been banned by NATO.

23. NATO has a special Fusche butt disaster recovery team in case Fusche's
butt should ever be detonated by accident.

24. Fusche has been banned to travel to poor starving countries, the
resulting panic of the natives chasing her with spears shouting "We could
eat for a year on that" has local officials terrified.

25. Group of Prospectors STILL looking for the Mother Lode.

26. The Bermuda Triangle is actually the zone from the middle of Fusche's
back to the bottom of each cheek.

27. NASA planning a 1999 exploration of Fusche's butt called the
Ballooner-probe.

28. Fusche's butt is the only organic structure visible from orbit.

29. Only natural formation known to be bigger than Russ Manzer's head.

30. It's really, really, really big.

31. Most acoustically perfect rump known to mankind.

32. Beluga whales have been known to swim 3000 miles out of their
territories to court Fusche's butt.

33. Stray sounds from Fusche's butt have been known to cause Pods of
Humpback whales to beach themselves in search of Pod-mates in distress.

34. The San Andreas fault was created during an unfortunate Fusche Slip and
Fall incident which incidentally is the only Liability Case on record where
the injured party is the State of California as opposed to the individual
who did the falling. Fusche is expected to pay 2.3 Billion in damages.

35. Janet Reno has appointed a special investigator to find out if Fusche's
butt is actually responsible for many outbreaks of Road-Rage.

36. A recent medical study has proven the grass roots theory that living
near Fusche's butt has the same medical ramifications as living near High
Power Overhead Lines.

37. Q: If Fusche's butt is loaded on a train in Memphis at 12:00 PM and
heads north at 56 mph, when will it arrive in Cleveland?
A: Hah, trick question, Fusche's butt won't fit on a train.

38. It's really, really, really, really big.

39. Was the secret weapon used by Reagan to free the Iran hostages: "Now
Ayatollah, play nice, or I drop Fusche's Butt on you." The hostages were
free within 3 hours.

40. An 'all clear' klaxon must be sounded before Fusche can sit down just
in case any small countries like Luxembourg are in the way.

41. 49 Cultists committed suicide determined to gain access to the alien
mother ship that is hiding in the shadow of Fusche's Butt. NASA determined
the investigation too risky when 53 probes were launched at the butt and
lost in an attempt to prove or disprove the spaceship theory.

42. When Fusche was a baby, her mother had a really hard time finding
diapers the size of Rhode Island every 1.5 hours. The economies of three
small countries were sacrificed to try and keep the offending rump covered.


43. The Siberian Tunguska (spelling?) Blast of 1908 was actually caused by
an unfortunate Fusche feeding frenzy involving truckloads of refried beans.

44. Conspiracy Theory: The Titanic did not hit an iceberg, it was struck by
the SS FuscheButt, a diabolical Naval Weapon developed by Otto Von Bismark
to ensure German Naval Superiority in the inevitable World Wars. The SS
FuscheButt was later scuttled to make way for the Nuclear Powered Fuschka
Buttka, the largest warship ever manufactured.

45. Used as a Object Model for Microsoft Windows '98.

46. The theory is that Ancient Egyptians, when designing the pyramids and
temples, practiced their stone lugging technique on Fusche's butt, the
biggest and heaviest thing they could get their hands on. Stonehenge was
created in a similar fashion.

47. Fusche's Butt is featured in 49 New England Sky Reports as being the
most popular set of Camelbacks in the region.

48. 149 Skiers were lost last year skiing the triple Black Diamond Trails
known as Fusche's Twins, The Crevice of Doom and the Ever popular Fusches
Frenzy, a three mile drop straight into what's known as The Pit of Despair.
All of these trails are on Mount FuscheButt.

49. It's really, really, really, really, really big

Friday, May 18, 2007

Put down the prozac

Okay people. You can officially put down the prozac now. Thanks for the outpouring of support and offers of physical abuse to make me feel better. I have yanked the proverbial bootstraps, had myself a good cry and am back to my usual snarky self.

So while surfing the web I came across this.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Puh

Okay. Normally I am a wisecracking smartass, but lately, not so much. Blue is the color of my soul right now; a deep midnight blue. I know that sounds incredibly melodramatic, cliché and disgustingly weak, but right now I am not at my best. I have been fighting severe homesickness and a host of other emotions which I find difficult to label. There are silly bouts of crying in the middle of the night when I wake up from a nightmarish dream of epic proportions which I am then unable to remember 5 minutes later but am simply left with an indescribably morose feeling of isolation and hopelessness. I feel, ala Moonstruck, someone should slap me and say “Snap out of it!” The thing is that even though that would probably be appropriate right now, I would most likely collapse in a heap and just weep. I guess it doesn’t help that my Papa has been fighting a blood poisoning type thing for the 4th time, my Mom’s doctors just found a lump in her breast and something 2cm in diameter which is “concerning” on her ovary, my Grams has an ulcerated wound on her foot that won’t heal and the antibiotics they have her 88 year old self on are making her hurl like a frat boy during Rush week, I haven’t been back to see my family in 18 months and won’t be able to get back until freaking Christmas so that will make 2 years since I have seen my papa, stepmom, bro and the rest of my clan, and work is giving me as much stress as I can possibly handle and most likely too much at this point. Tack on that 3 friends are getting married and we are booked to the rafters with wedding things (like bachelorette parties and the actual weddings), I am 5000 miles away from my family and can do nothing to help any of them, I haven’t actually had a holiday holiday since last year sometime in the summer (Portugal I think), and the usual life stresses about money and crap…and I feel like I wanna just curl up in a ball and tell the world to take a hike.

The problem is that when I get blue or stressed, I close down. Mira, Sug, K and most of my other longtime chosen family members can tell you that I clam up tighter than heck. I pretty much disengage from the world around me. It is my coping mechanism. The problem I have is that I know I am shutting down and it is the only way I know how to process things, but it is terribly unfair to those around me and especially to the Finn.

I know that “this too shall pass”, but right now I just wanna tell the universe to FUCK OFF.

And before you all start getting all intervention on me, I will be fine. I will get through this and come out the other side...just may take a bit..

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Nagi Nagi

Yeah, so much for the well thought out plan of not having a hangover on the Wednesday after May Day. Vappu is a national holiday here in Finland. We had guests over for dinner on Monday - lovely giant prawn starter with a main course of pork loin, roasted potatoes and salad...cheeses and grapes for desert and 5 bottles of sparkling wine later, the coming May day (Vappu) was not looking like a party day for us.

The plan was to stay home and treat Tuesday (Vappu) like a Sunday - watch a bit of the idiot box, cook and go to bed early. Enter Pia and an invitation to come over for dinner and to watch the ice hockey match between Finland and Russia... 2 bottles of sparkling wine, a 12 pack of beer and 1 Victor Borge tape later..we were pissed as lords. Then enter Nora.. Why did it seem like a good idea to go from Pia's house to a pub to meet Nora..where Mira promptly bought a round of shots?

I am such a mess today..it took me 15 minutes to find my damned keys! Couldn't find my wallet for a while either...then my watch... I had a meeting that I could not miss this morning which was rescheduled at the last minute..so I could have worked from home (read: slept for another 5 hours)...

Body aches from the spill I took on Monday afternoon, brain is not functioning, and I have to be in the office...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh