Puh

Okay. Normally I am a wisecracking smartass, but lately, not so much. Blue is the color of my soul right now; a deep midnight blue. I know that sounds incredibly melodramatic, cliché and disgustingly weak, but right now I am not at my best. I have been fighting severe homesickness and a host of other emotions which I find difficult to label. There are silly bouts of crying in the middle of the night when I wake up from a nightmarish dream of epic proportions which I am then unable to remember 5 minutes later but am simply left with an indescribably morose feeling of isolation and hopelessness. I feel, ala Moonstruck, someone should slap me and say “Snap out of it!” The thing is that even though that would probably be appropriate right now, I would most likely collapse in a heap and just weep. I guess it doesn’t help that my Papa has been fighting a blood poisoning type thing for the 4th time, my Mom’s doctors just found a lump in her breast and something 2cm in diameter which is “concerning” on her ovary, my Grams has an ulcerated wound on her foot that won’t heal and the antibiotics they have her 88 year old self on are making her hurl like a frat boy during Rush week, I haven’t been back to see my family in 18 months and won’t be able to get back until freaking Christmas so that will make 2 years since I have seen my papa, stepmom, bro and the rest of my clan, and work is giving me as much stress as I can possibly handle and most likely too much at this point. Tack on that 3 friends are getting married and we are booked to the rafters with wedding things (like bachelorette parties and the actual weddings), I am 5000 miles away from my family and can do nothing to help any of them, I haven’t actually had a holiday holiday since last year sometime in the summer (Portugal I think), and the usual life stresses about money and crap…and I feel like I wanna just curl up in a ball and tell the world to take a hike.

The problem is that when I get blue or stressed, I close down. Mira, Sug, K and most of my other longtime chosen family members can tell you that I clam up tighter than heck. I pretty much disengage from the world around me. It is my coping mechanism. The problem I have is that I know I am shutting down and it is the only way I know how to process things, but it is terribly unfair to those around me and especially to the Finn.

I know that “this too shall pass”, but right now I just wanna tell the universe to FUCK OFF.

And before you all start getting all intervention on me, I will be fine. I will get through this and come out the other side...just may take a bit..