mmmm...The Onion...

Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
August 31, 2005 | Issue 41•35

Aries March 21 - April 19
It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herd—unusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll be relieved when you're assigned to be a lighthouse keeper 200 miles above the Arctic Circle, especially when you think of how close you came to being named manager of the Detroit Tigers.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Hopelessly lost on America's backroads, you will stumble upon an isolated, acid-washed, hair-metal-loving small town that doesn't realize the Cold War is over.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're suddenly a very hot commodity when Sony announces that the next generation of recordable digital media will be synthesized from your heart's blood.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You've always thought that breast implants were kind of sad, but you'll wind up with nine of them anyway.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's important to keep yourself looking and feeling good, but your relentless reapplication of home permanents is beginning to seem disturbing.

Libra September 23 - October 23
It's not that people mind it when you rappel in through skylights, but it does clash strangely with your love of making an entrance by popping out of cakes.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your graffiti tags are as distinctive as they are funky, which is why you shouldn't even bother lying to the people of Jerusalem about what you did to the Wailing Wall.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There's been a lot of trouble and turmoil on Wall Street lately, which is probably why they keep asking you if they can stay on your couch for October.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars foresee a vast change in your future. Soon, the world shall grow cold, the nights will wax longer, and the world shall become covered with ice for many months.